take me deeper than my feet will ever wander

I sat on the banks of Loch Lomond and cried for half an hour after I realized what God was calling me to do. I begged and pleaded for Him to change His mind. He didn't, so I (reluctantly) obeyed. He wanted me to go home to America. What a ridiculous request of Him to make, I know.

I had only been in Scotland for five days, yet in those five days, I had never felt closer to God. I'd been on mission trips before, but I had never sensed God so present in my life like He did during those days. He used those ten days I was in Scotland to show me what was to come in my life.

I've known for about three years now that God wants me to use my life to help break His people free from the chains of human trafficking. My heart breaks for the 27 million who are enslaved. My response to trafficking is much like Esther when she pleads on behalf of her people: "For how can I bear to see the calamity that is coming to my people? Or how can I bear to see the destruction of my kindred?" (Esther 8:6)

I had accepted that I was going to work with the A21 Campaign the moment God revealed the organization to me. I knew in my heart that this was who I am supposed to work for. Although it was a shock when I felt God call me to work at their headquarters in Sydney, Australia.

I thought I had fully accepted that I was one day going to move there. I still had some anxiety, though, about leaving behind everything I had ever called home. That’s why God revealed Himself to me in ways I had never experienced on my trip to Scotland.

God showed me that there was no need to be fearful of going to a country that I had never experienced because He was going to be there. And He is a familiarity that is incomparable. He has given me peace about moving and I am so excited to experience the life that He has in store for me half way across the world.
That’s why I was so against heading back to America. I know fully that I am to live overseas, and I was dreading returning to a place where I know I won't be happy.

I love America and I always will, but I love my God more. He is calling me to a place where His people need me, and I am willingly ready to go where He will lead me.

For now, I'm still trying to adjust to life in America. There are many things about the American way of life that bug me, but I'm learning to accept them. I know that wherever I go in life I won't have a "perfect life," but so long as I continue to follow the path God has laid before me, I know that I will have the life that is perfect for me.

So, I ask for prayer as I continue to move towards the day when God tells me it is time to leave. I have peace with God's decision, but I know this is a hard plan for my family to accept. At the time of writing this, I am confident that I will be going to Australia. That being said, God could change my path at any moment in time, so I also ask for prayer that I will be content wherever He asks me to go.

a cord of three strands is not easily broken.

Growing up, I was never lonely. Unless I purposely isolated myself, I always had friends that I could call up at a moment’s notice and hang out with. Yet, there were times where I felt all alone.

Thankfully, I can’t remember the last time I felt alone. I know that God loves me because He has provided a loving group of people who care and encourage me. I know that some people have hard college years because they never allowed anyone in their life. This is not the case for me—and it makes my heart so happy to say this. I have been surrounded by people who I can laugh and hang out with, while also having great conversations about all the ways that Christ is moving through our lives.

I shared earlier this year that I have been working on vulnerability. I want to be more honest about who I am and what my life for the past 19 years has looked like. I’m still working on that transparency, and I have found that the biggest push for me has been my community group.

Since I started college, God has provided me with a safe place to go every Monday night full of wonderful women who love The Lord and me. I can share the depths of my heart and know that they won’t be laughed at. These girls know my hopes, fears, dreams, struggles, everything. And they accept me and work with me through it.

The first few weeks I met with my community I sat quietly and absorbed what everyone else was saying. I spoke out (maybe) once during my entire first month. When I finally realized that these girls genuinely cared about me, my perspective changed. I shared things with them that only a select few people that I had known for years knew about me. Over time, I realized that a community of people whose common factor is Christ is the ideal group of friendship anyone could ask for.

I’m not entirely sure what my life would currently look like if I had not intentionally sought out a community last year. I don’t want to know what it would look like because I know it would not be as good as my life is right now.

It breaks my heart to hear people who claim to be Christians that they don’t see or feel the need to live in community with other believers. Life is hard, but the Lord provided fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to help walk with us through hard times. God is undoubtedly sufficient for our needs, but He desires for us to be unified as his body.

So, if you claim to be a Christian, yet you refuse to partake in the unified body of Christ, I want you to really examine why you don’t want community. Consider going to church, joining a small group, or just meeting with a few other believers regularly. God does great things in individual lives, but greater things happen when the body of Christ gathers in His name.

“Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
 If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

-Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Identity.

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." - 1 Peter 2:9

Ask me how I identified myself in high school and I would have told you the following: smart, funny, loving, a good friend, and a fairly decent daughter. Oh, and a Christian.

Ask me that now and with full confidence I can tell you that I am a child of the one true King who is daily trying to please my Creator. I fail more often than I’d like to admit, but despite all my letdowns, I am still loved and sought after by my perfect Father.

Bit of a difference in my responses. The reason for the change in my answer is simple: I finally accepted grace.

I struggled with grace for a long time, and I know I’m not the only one. The biggest problem is that I didn’t understand what grace was in the first place. In my mind, grace and mercy were the same thing to me. I was always so confused by this until someone finally explained it me:

“Imagine that you are a kid without a license. One night, you decide to take your parent’s car for a joy ride. As you begin to back out of your driveway, you lose control of the car and end up hitting your neighbor’s fence. There are now three ways your offense can be dealt with. The first is your neighbor’s calling the authorities and you are fined. This is justice. The second is that your neighbor’s don’t press charges, but they do make you pay for a new fence. This is mercy. The final way this situation can be handled is your neighbor’s forgive and don’t ask you to do anything for them. This is grace.”

Put into these words, I finally understood grace. But then, I was faced with the challenge of accepting God’s grace that was given to me. There are many things I have done in my past that I am not proud of, and I know there will be things in my future that I will fail at. Despite all those things, God, being rich in love, has given me freedom.

My identity does not belong in my sinful self. God does not want me to place my life in sin, but in Him instead. His will for my life is far better than anything I could ever imagine for myself. I have lived my life both according to my sin and according to God’s will, and I choose God. Nothing will ever compare to the comfort of resting in God’s grace. To not have to live my life wallowing in self-pity day after day after day is indescribable.

I’ve been learning more and more about God’s grace these past few weeks. What I’ve discovered has changed my world. Placing my identity in Christ is one of the scariest decisions I have ever made, but it’s also been the most rewarding. All my life I’ve said that I will follow Christ wherever He wanted me to go, but when I said them, they were in vain. Just empty words that I didn’t give a second thought about. Now, when I do say those words, I say them carefully and slowly, because I understand the weight of them.

Grace is a weird concept to grasp. Honestly, I still don’t understand all of it, and I probably never will. But for now, I’m going to daily accept it and remind myself that no matter what I do, good or bad, God is still good and loving to me. And at the end of the day, that’s all I really need.

(This is a really good song called Grace Alone. Just to let you know.) 

Scotland Trip 2014

Right now I am supposed to be packing for college. I leave in two days so, of course, I waited until the last minute to start. But it's even harder to pack when my mind is elsewhere, in a different country honestly, so I've decided to give myself a break and (finally) write about my Scotland trip.

So, here goes:

My team and I left on a Friday morning from Dallas. After a long flight, we arrived in Glasgow International Airport. There, we were met with our first obstacle--getting past Immigration. Many people are unaware, but Scottish Immigration is no breeze to American Christian missionaries. Scotland is already tough on Americans entering the country as a sort of 'payback' for how our Immigration treats foreigners. At the same time, due to events in the past, they are very wary of allowing missionaries in due to a fear of the potential radicals that could enter the country, i.e. religious terrorists. While most of my team went through with no problem, one of my teammates and I were not allowed in for a few minutes because of 'suspicious inconsistencies.' After a few brief moments of panicking and worrying, we were eventually allowed in, so long as we promised that "any missionary work happened coincidentally."

From there, we headed to our home for the week and met the amazing Mcneill family. They owned the place we stayed at and were amazing hospitable Christians. Their children were amazing and I pray that they continue to grow into amazing followers of God like I know they will.

After a weekend full of tourist stops and training sessions, my team made our way to the church we would be working at all week. Wallacewell Fellowship Church hosted a Holiday Club (or a VBS as Americans would call it) for children in the area in the morning, and a Walk-In Youth Cafe in the afternoon. Many of the families surrounding Wallacewell do not attend a church anywhere so this was a big deal to have a Holiday Club there. We were warned that most kids would come from rough backgrounds and would most likely not want to participate in any of the activities we had planned.

We couldn't have been more wrong.

The kids were indescribable. They listened with open ears and open hearts. They were eager to hear what we had to say and they often wanted to stay as long as they could to talk with us. The kids that came were from ages 5-13 and they all were interested in what was going on at the church. All of my teammates, myself included, bonded with the kids quickly and became quickly attached to various ones. Getting to talk and be a part of the children's lives is something that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

As it turned out, leaving Scotland was the hardest part of the entire trip. Having to hug goodbye to people that I had only known for a week was more difficult than I could have ever imagined. It's been two weeks since then and I have yet to have a single day pass where I don't think about at least one of the amazing people I met.

It's been two weeks and my heart still hasn't found it's way back from overseas. And I am beginning to realize it probably never will.

Many people have asked me what happened while I was in Scotland. And while everything I've stated above is completely true, it is no where close to being as important as what the biggest thing that happened in Scotland was. God gave me a clear demand about a year ago. I thought I had answered it, but in Scotland I realized that I had only answered part of it.

God pushed me to a life of missions a year ago. And I agreed. But I hadn't fully understood what He was saying.

I realize now more of what He was asking. He wants me to commit my life to missions--outside of the US. I will always call America my home, but I know now that God needs me elsewhere. Somewhere far, far, far away. I have no idea where it is exactly. I probably won't know for a long time. But I know that as much as I love my life here, I am not supposed to stay here.

It's hard to explain this, but when I think about leaving the only place I've ever known as 'home,' I am overcome with peace. I have no clue where I will be in the next five or ten years. God does, and that's all I need to know.

So now is the time where I ask for prayer:
Pray for Wallacewell and the people in and around it. The hand of God is present but many people are still blind to Him.
Pray for me as I begin to try and figure out what all God has in store for me. And pray that I will use the time I do have here to bring glory to His name.

I want to thank everyone who supported me, both financially and prayerfully, on this trip. This mission has been more meaningful than any other one I have ever been on. And I pray, if it is in God's will, that I will be able to go back one day.

T-minus five days

The day has (almost) arrived. I'm leaving for mission trip to Scotland this Friday. I cannot wait to see the church my team is working with and begin the outreach programs at the Commonwealth Games. It's been nearly five months since I have been assigned my mission, and I can truly say that they have been five challenging months.

The first two months were solely focused on me trusting in God's faithfulness to provide financially for me. For this trip, I was asked to raise a large sum of money in a short amount of time. I was almost done with my first year of college and I was already tight on money. But--as He has done many times before--God provided. God used His people's obedience to Him to show me His faithfulness. Thanks to Him and everyone's giving, I was able to have that huge burden lifted off of me. I remember crying when I found out that all my money had been raised.

(That being said, to anyone reading this who donated money, I have so much gratitude for you. You all hold a deep, special place in my heart.)

But my journey didn't stop there. It was actually just beginning. A few days prior to my training orientation, one of the greatest Christian women that I was blessed to have known passed away. My Granny was a strong believer of Christ, and although her passing was difficult and there are days that I still struggle with it, I have full confidence that she and my Papaw will be watching over me in Scotland from Heaven. 

The next big hurdle I dealt with was meeting my team. I was so nervous and excited to see who all of my teammates were. There are seven of us total, so I was afraid that all our personalities would potentially not mesh. But then I met them, and all of those fears were wiped away. I could not be more excited to work with my team; they are all such great followers and strong believers of Christ. In the times that we have shared together leading up to our departure, we have had amazing converations of how God has worked in our lives and how He has made Himself known to us in various ways. My heart cannot wait to serve with them in Scotland.

And now as the day approaches, I find myself trying to conquer another battle. It is one that I have struggled with on nearly every mission trip I have been on: boldness. There have been numerous times on trips where I have lost confidence in who I am in Christ and, as a result, have not been able to  share what God wants me to. I have worked hard this summer to memorize 1 Corinthians 2:1-5 in order to fight and overcome that struggle. I find that it is a great reminder of how we should all approach our mission field:

"And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God."

It's taken a while, but this passage has defintely been a source of comfort for me. I know that Paul was one of the greatest proclaimers of Christ to ever live, so by following his lead, I hope that I will be able to complete my mission.

So now, I ask for prayer for my team as we leave for our mission. We are sure to encounter some kind of spiritual warfare but I know that through the power of God, we will overcome it. I also ask that you pray for boldness for our team and that we will all focus on our mission. My team members names are Kim, Karlie, Ashley, Sean, Gary, and JD. 

Thank you to everyone who has already been praying for me. I love all of you so much. And don't worry, I'll take plenty of pictures. 

Impatiently Waiting for Patience

I've been saying for years that I want to be more patient in life. This summer I am going to accomplish that goal.

I was probably about 13 when I realized that I was an overly impatient person. I knew at the time that it wasn't good to be impatient, but I never really cared much about it to change anything. Patience is so vital to life. Patience can be used in so many different ways and there are honestly no negatives to having patience. 

Looking back on my life, there have been a few times where I've been able to be patient. But those times were few and far between. I had to be patient on finding out where I would be serving The Lord this summer--(FYI, it's Scotland for those who don't know). Waiting to hear from someone who I didn't know well for something that would be a huge impact in my life was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I was able to endure and now my patience has paid off. 

That doesn't mean that I suddenly became the most patient person in the world. Actually if you had asked me early last week, I would have let you know that I didn't have a patient bone in my body. 

It's been a week since I began working with some of my favorite kids on the world. It's also been a week since I've began working with children who need more patience than I have. 

Obviously I love being a camp counselor, but I'd be lying if I said that all days were fantastic. There are some kids who are angels one day and then divas the next. And that's okay because they're all still kids so it's perfectly fine for them to have moments of misbehavior since they're still learning. 

But it's not alright for me to have those misbehaving moments. 

I know that if I want to keep being happy at my job, I'm going to need A LOT of patience. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I love children. I absolutely adore working with children. But that doesn't mean that loving them is always easy. 

I cannot constantly yell at the kids or punish them via timeout simply because they don't do what I say right away (no matter how bad I really want to). In these "troubling times," patience comes in handy.

I know that God is using these kids to teach me patience right now. It's been one week and I can already feel myself becoming more patient, especially with the kids. I can now only pray that I will grow more patient throughout the summer. One day I hope that when God calls me to do something that requires patience, I will be able to do it happily and not complain. 

And I know that God's timing will come for me, but until then, I'll be patiently waiting. 

More Than Enough

I finally did it. I created a blog.

I cannot count the number of people who have encouraged me to write a blog within this past year. Of course I love to write—I am a journalism major for crying out loud. Yet every time someone would say something to me, I would always give some excuse. The easiest excuse to give to people was that I write enough for my classes.

(FYI: I write the same amount as much as every other college student; I’m still just taking my basics.)

The real reason I never wanted to start a blog, was that I didn’t think that I would have anything worth saying. I didn’t think that my words or thoughts or opinions mattered. I struggled for nearly 18 years with my confidence. I rarely ever thought I was good enough in anything I did. I constantly second guessed myself. I struggled often with accepting praise for any accomplishments. I never liked the way I looked or acted. I just didn’t like me.

And I didn’t like that I didn’t like me.

So at the beginning of this year, I made a promise to myself that I would love who I was. Six months into this year, and I can gladly say that I absolutely adore myself. The hardest part was digging down to the root of my issue. It took a while for me to understand why I ever even hated myself in the first place.

The problem was that I was looking at myself wrong. I saw the things that made me inadequate and thought of them as bad things. But they are not bad things. In 2^nd Corinthians, Paul tells about his weaknesses and how he thought they made him insufficient to teach the Gospel, when in actuality, his weaknesses brought more glory to God.

“But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

You see, my weaknesses and flaws are all a part of me. I was given the abilities and imperfections I have for a reason. And while I may not know all the reasons behind them, I am beginning to accept them, which is a start.

So even though I may not think that I am the prettiest or smartest or nicest or whatever the world says I should fill the blank in with, I am more than enough—all  thanks to Christ. And if I am good enough for the creator of the universe, then I am good enough for me.